Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
