My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
