You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize