I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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