I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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