I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize