Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
