it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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