hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Randomize
