You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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