I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
