We're facebook friends in real life
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
