worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
she peed on how many people?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
