I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
