I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Randomize
