Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I think I won the penis lottery.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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