i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize