I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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