Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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