So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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