apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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