Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
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