9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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