I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
