my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
