Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
