the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
