my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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