Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
