Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
