Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
