When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
