dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
