a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
