I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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