I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
