that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
