The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
