Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Randomize
