I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I know her cup size but not her name....
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