Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
