please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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