260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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