so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
