I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
