i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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