it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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