how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
