I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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