no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
