I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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