if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
