just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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