Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
