I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
