One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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