my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
