No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
bring money and cleavage
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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