morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
