I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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