Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
