Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
