The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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