Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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