He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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