...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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