So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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